Feeling Frumpy
My relationship with the mirror + Reworking my outfit formulas
Do you know the feeling: You stand in front of the mirror at home and are feeling quite pleased with the way you look - and then you go out in the world. You catch a glimpse of your reflection in a shop’s window or see yourself in the mirror of the changing room - and suddenly you’re like: Who’s that tired, dowdy looking woman? The clothes you felt great in, are suddenly feeling frumpy and all wrong.
Or am I the only one?
It’s apparently quite common to feel like you look awful in the changing room with its fluorescent light and some changing rooms are even designed to make you look dreadful(!) I don’t know if comparison also plays a role - out in the world you can easily feel surrounded by prettier, younger, smarter looking people and the outfit you felt so great in, just feels flat and awful.
This is primarily about how I feel and not so much about how I actually look. The outfits I feel frumpy in might very well look fine to others. Although lately my relationship with mirror selfies has been a bit weird. I love an outfit, take a selfie and the photo just doesn’t look like I feel - basically I don’t like how it looks in the photo. I start to question myself what actually is a representation of reality: What I see in the mirror or what the photo shows? Call me confused.
I know photos only show a 2D representation of the reality and not how we move and that camera lenses can distort etc. but it’s difficult not to perceive the photo as some form for objective truth - even though it isn’t. In a Substack chat someone likened it to ‘comparing pictures of a majestic landscape or a beautiful sunset to the real thing. The camera just doesn’t capture the complete beauty of the subject’, which is such a lovely way to put it. But what when I don’t really like what the mirror shows or feel like myself, but like the outfit in the photo? How do I avoid feeling frumpy, when I might not be able to rely on mirrors and photos to guide me? Anyone else experience this discrepancy between how you see yourself in the mirror and how a photo looks?
One thing though that I’ve considered that might contribute to feeling frumpy is my go-to outfit formula. The last couple of years I’ve pretty much stuck to wearing a structured bottom + fluid top. By fluid I mean something with a bit of ease and movement like a soft sweater, a linen or silk shirt.
This is still a formula I like, but due to my changing body, the bottoms I’ve been wearing have been less structured than previously. I’ve been drawn to pants made of linen, lyocell, silk or a very soft cotton with room in the hip area and maybe an elasticated waistband. This has resulted in an outfit formula of a more fluid bottom + fluid top. There’s as such nothing wrong with this formula, but I’ve come to realise that I need a structured element in my outfits to feel put together.
My style words are classic, relaxed and sophisticated, and though both the shirts and the pants are classic menswear inspired pieces with a relaxed feel, this just feels too relaxed and the sophisticated touch is completely missing. I need that structured element to feel good.
So this begs the question: How can I add structure to my outfits while still being comfortable?
One way could be to invert the outfit formula and wear a fluid bottom + structured top. I would love to do this by adding a somewhat structured jacket or blazer, but it can be a challenge to find one that fits, and doesn’t make an outfit lean too classic. Another way to add a more structured or polished element could be a sleeveless blazer or longline vest, as they more easily accommodate wide shoulders. I’ve really been loving the way Emily Grady Dodge wears her sleeveless blazer.
A denim shirt might be a way to add a bit of relaxed tailoring. Since seeing this picture of Anna Newton, I’ve been on the lookout for one, but haven’t found the right one yet (Though not for lack of trying!).
A different route could be to embrace the fluid bottom + fluid top and add structure in other ways. A pointed shoe or a square toed boot can make an outfit feel more polished and add definition to an otherwise flowy or oversized outfit. I would love to have a few more options in my wardrobe than currently.
Someone who executes this really well is Maria Elena Groenewoud. I’d never heard Maria before Anika from NO WARDROBE posted her Style Notes on: Maria Elena Groenewoud, but I absolutely love her style! Anika’s analysis of Maria’s style formulas makes it easy to identify the different elements and why it works. Especially two of Maria’s style formulas that Anika mentions resonate with me: wide leg pants + oversized shirt or blazer and short jacket + wide leg pants. Thank you for the inspiration, Anika!
So the first style formula Maria wears on repeat is wide leg pants with some kind of oversized upper part. She tucks in her shirts to give the look structure and often wears pointy toes with a small heel.
These formulas could easily be adapted to my style with small tweaks and serve as inspiration for the direction I want to take my wardrobe. Not sure I want so structured or oversized shirts as Maria wears, but it could be fun to try to balance it out with a more relaxed bottom and make it feel like me. The overall balance of my style words in an outfit is important for me to feel comfortable. If an outfit leans either too much in one direction, whether it’s classic, relaxed or structured, I end up not feeling like myself.
In order to figure out what could work for me, I recently ventured into COS to try some different options. I really liked the black long line vest, but the drawstring in the waist hit me at an awkward point, although it’s hard to see in the picture. I also tried on a white vest, but realised I prefer a deeper V. The bomber jacket seemed like a possibility, but the heavy twill cotton fabric felt a bit too structured to wear indoors. Although I didn’t purchase anything I got a clearer idea of what I’m looking for.
A few days later I ended up ordering a couple of other vest options: one crew-neck and one v-neck. The are both a linen blend, but the crew-neck feels more relaxed, where the v-neck has a more classic vibe due to the cut and a smoother fabric. I really like both of them. My struggle with the mirror and what is reality came into play again here, as I really feel good in the round neck vest, but I don’t think the photos capture how I felt (maybe I’m just bad at taking selfies - a very distinct possibility!) Some outfits with the v-neck vest felt a bit too classic, but looked better in photos. To be clear, I do liked the outfits I styled here.
I know I’ll be keeping the round neck vest. It gave me the ‘I want to wear this tomorrow!’-feeling, which is usually a good sign. I’m trying to tell myself that I should return the v-neck vest as it’s similar to the other one, but there’s just something about it I quite like, even though it up front was a bit harder to style in a way that felt like me and can lean too classic. I feell like I ought to focus on more breadth in my wardrobe and purchase a completely different type of top when my tops department is so limited, but I really like it and after styling it for this collage I’m even more tempted to keep it. I do love a good duplicate…
I’m still on the hunt for a pair of structured, comfortable pants - possible with an elasticated waist in the back in the back, so I also can wear my “usual” outfit formula of structured bottom + flowy top, but this has given me some ideas of other ways to add structure or polish and avoid feeling frumpy.
Wishlist additions:
Longline vest/Sleeveless blazer (Bought, but would love a dark one for fall)
Short jacket
Pointed toe shoes
I’m curious: Do you experience a difference in the way you perceive yourself in the mirror and in photos or in home and ‘away’ mirrors? What is important to you to feel like yourself in an outfit?
P.S. I have five free 1-month subscriptions to Dacy Gillespie’s Substack ‘unflattering’ to give away. Let me know in the comments if you’re interested.
I hear you! Could you also add structure through accessories - sharp belt, shoes, bag?
I can relate, Sigrid! Since I’ve begun taking outfit selfies, sometimes I look back on a picture of an outfit I felt great it and feel the photo does fall into that “frumpy” category and does not at all reflect the energy I felt.
Love the vests on you! Does the v neck come in another color? Perhaps that’s another route if you feel strongly about keeping both. ❤️